


Nothing can ever change this love

by goldenkisses



Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M, Open Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 11:24:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenkisses/pseuds/goldenkisses
Summary: It wasn't always like this, but he couldn't breathe.





	Nothing can ever change this love

**Author's Note:**

> After this weekend at TIFF I couldn't go another moment without doing something, so here this is. Title came from the Sam Cooke song, with the same name. 
> 
> This is for W.  
> I'm sorry I dragged you down this rabbit whole with me, I can't wait till we are able to watch the film and cry together about the loveliness that is. Call Me By Your Name.

_“You fall in love with the little things about someone, like the sound of their laughter and the way their smile forms.”_

 

*

_Breathe._

That’s what Timothee had told himself a thousand times since he got back to his hotel room tonight from the TIFF celebration dinner. He couldn’t wait to get out from under the constant eyes that had been on him that evening.

  
_Breathe._

With shaky hands, he slowly unbuttoned his jacket and sat it on the back of the chair, taking both unsteady hands and smoothing them over the top of it. Hard brown tweed. Nothing like his lovers suit. Soft corduroy.

  
_Breathe._

The knock at the door came sooner than he would have liked if he’s honest with himself, which he really hasn’t been as of late. He wants to drown out the noise the door makes.

  
_Breathe._

Third, Fourth knock both harder than the first two. He knows he won’t take no for answer, not tonight. A soft “Timmy?” followed. His eyes stayed trained to his unsteady hands. The only time they shake this bad is when, well.

  
_Breathe._

“Please..please just go away.” He finally manages to whisper out, it’s not like the man on the other side of the door was able to hear him but the words came out anyways.

  
_Breathe._

It seemed like hours past but only minutes. The reality of the silence on both sides of the door made him panic even more. Then of course that’s when the door knob begins to turn, and he should have known that was going to happen.

“Are you avoiding me?” those would be the first words that come out of the man he’s been trying to avoid. Looking over at him as he walked in the room with an aura that demanded your presence. He of course still had on the gray suit he wore to the event, looking more sophisticated than ever.

“Will you answer me?” The way those words came out of his body sent shivers down his back, the deep bass of his voice stirred up something that he was afraid of but used to by now.

_Breathe._

“I can’t breathe.” He didn’t want to be seen like this, so exposed for the one person he tried to be strong for.

Strong arms wrapped around his slender body so quickly, he hardly had time to realize that he had started to cry behind his tightly closed eyes.

_Breathe._

“I got you, it’s okay.” He does, he always does.

_Breathe. Breathe. Breathe._

_Blue._

He always loved the color of the eyes that were looking back at him, so clear and full of love. Love. He never thought he would love them, or the person they belonged too.

“Armie..” Even in a whisper state, his voice sounded so broken and fragile it hurt his heart all too much.

“Yeah Timmy, I know.” He looked like he felt. Defeated.

That wasn’t something that he was used to, ever since the first time we met him in Crema his effervescent personality out shined everyone that encountered him. And if I wanted to be true to myself at some point than I must admit that I completely and utterly fell in love with him after the first night we spent getting to know each other.

There wasn’t one thing that stood out from the next. Was it his powerful laugh that did it? Or was it the crinkles that gathered around his eyes when he laughed at whatever foolish thing I had said? I can’t place the moment but I knew it was then, the yearning that I craved to constantly be near him. I wasn’t used to these type of feelings, it petrified me that my body was so responsive to his, and yet I was fascinated at the new feeling.

Then came our first rehearsal kiss, and every kiss after that wither it be for the film or in the privacy of our rooms where filled with such vigorous fire that it overwhelmed us both without question. We know what we had was extraordinary and the situation we found ourselves in was unusual but, it couldn’t be camouflaged with something that very well could be mocked.

  
We rightly so had an understanding of sorts, a mutual need to indulge each other. To satisfy that underling palpable tension that had flourished over the weeks we had spent every moment with each other. His touch was and is a memory that I forever will remember, the way our bodies seem to convey our desire for one another, without ever really needing words.

_Speak._

“I’m sorry.” Sorry. Was he? No not actually, more ashamed than anything, but he wasn’t going to admit that now.

Armie gently started to run his hand through his hair, which Timothee was sure to be dirty with the hair product that had been used earlier in the day.

“Please don’t, it’s dirty.” He muttered into Armies neck, breathing in his smell. Gucci. Always Gucci when he was with him, a gift that he had given him for Christmas. It was a silly idea now that he thinks about it.

He felt the vibration against his lips as he hummed, “I’ve touched a lot worse on you, a little grease isn’t going to hurt me. You still trust me, don’t you?”

Oh.

That wasn’t about his hair, no. No that was something entirely different. He knew it, they both knew it. That had always been one of the last things Armie would say to him whenever they would leave each other in whatever city they had been in, Crema, New York, LA, Park City and even that cottage they decided last minute to rent out in the Hamptons just because Armie had an extra few days to spend with him before he was off doing Armie things.

“Are you trying to tell me I shouldn’t?” Another mummer, wow he was good at this.

“No, no you know I would never tell you how you should feel. Of all things, that’s not what I would do. And if you think I would, well I should be the one who is sorry.”

_Inhale. Release._

_Stop._

Calmly, he worked is body out of the embrace that Armie had him in managing to sit up on his own despite the lack of security he felt being in the arms of the one person that had made him feel protected.

“I could just blame it on the lack of sleep, but I won’t. I could blame it on many things but that wouldn’t work. You seem to always know what I’m feeling or thinking inside, and I can’t help but to think that you know exactly why I am such a state of utter disarray.”

Silence.

“I’ve never been more confused about anything than I am at this very moment in time. I love you, whole heartedly I do, but that isn’t enough is it. Because no matter how hard I try and forget that this is it. I can’t help but wonder what if. What if I had never met you? Would I have identified what I’m feeling for you if I had meet someone else at another time? Opening myself to you in more ways than one, in ways I never thought possible.” He felt the tears again, falling slowly against his porcelain like skin.

_Breathe._

“You once told me that in another life, in another world I would get to be your person. And god do you have any idea how nice that looks to me?” he whispers delicately as he closed his eyes picturing just that. The memories of the domesticality that they shared that weekend in the Hamptons, naked for the bulk of the time. Armie cooking. Oh, the cooking, the flavors of salmon that just tasted heavenly against his tongue. The one day in his apartment in the city before his flight, his body spread out across the whites of his sheets on display for one set of eyes only as he sat on a brown leather chair drinking a glass of Macallan, neat. A fire in his eyes that he never thought he witness again. To him in that moment the man he loved never looked so elegant or refined.

_Soft._

The soft touch of a finger whipping away a falling tear brought him back to the present.

“What are you thinking about bean?” Soft. Those words came out of his mouth so soft and affectionate.

He looked up at the man before him, wanting to dislike him if even for a moment but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. For even he had tears in his eyes, and knowing that he caused those hurt him in some way.

“Bean.” He laughed with snot coming out of his nose, but he didn’t care, nor did Armie who managed to take a tissue that was next to the bed and whip it away. “You haven’t called me that in so long.”

He noticed the somber look on Armies’ face, the crease between his eyebrows showing more.

“You. I was thinking about you, or us really. The Hamptons trip and how it was just so good.” His fingers started to get antsy, he needed to be doing something with his hands.

_Love._

It was his turn to close his eyes, a small smiling developing on his face

“You wore a striped white shirt the first night, with these loose jean shorts that where a little short but made your legs look amazing. You were sitting on the counter swinging them back and forth, watching me cook while Sam Cooke played in the background. God the little curls that had appeared in your hair after swimming in the ocean all day..” a soft audible laugh left his lips “You have no idea how lovely you looked that night to me, there on the counter all your attention on me, later spread out against the bed, so open and inviting for me. Arms tied so neatly in knots. I can still picture it now whenever I close my eyes, the flush of your cheeks. Oh, the perspiration of the night all over both of our bodies, yes, I remember that night well. All those nights to be frank, and every other night we spent together so far.”

He took both of my hands into his and kissed both of my palms “These fingers in my body, your hands were trembling just like they are now.”Opening his mouth, he took my fingers and started to suck on them.

  
“Or when I made you suck on these long elegant fingers of yours on the last night.”

A soft moan escaped his mouth. His body clearly not on his side anymore.

“I can tell that you remember. Just like that night, the flush on your cheeks prove it to me. What we have Timmy is something that one simply can’t dismiss from his memory. I remember everything about you, how your body shakes when I enter you, the sounds that come out of that little mouth of yours. But it’s not just your body I love, no it’s much more than that really.”

_Pause._

A opening of eyes, blue on green, love on love, admiration on infatuation.

“Tell me.” He needed to know, he knew deep down already but hearing it was much more meaningful.

Shaking his head, he stood up off the bed and let out a breath that we both didn’t realize he was holding.

“For me it was never about was it wrong or right to want you. I knew just like you did that right away this was going to be more than just two people becoming friends. After the first night of us hanging out I made a call after you left, we had a discussion on whether it was something I truly wanted or it was just a phase that would pass.” He turned his back on me and faced the city views that Toronto had to offer “After two weeks, I made another call and let her know it wasn’t, and that it would be near impossible to get you out of my system. I never think I will be able to if I’m honest.” He let out a sigh turning back around to face me, looking me in the eyes as we often do with each other when nobody is around when it’s just our two souls in one room.

“I know it’s hard that we don’t get to see each other often, and I get that in interviews you’d rather not have to hear about my home life. I understand how hard it must be for you to have to listen to those repetitive questions, and I’m sorry there isn’t a thing we can do about them. But you must know, truly know how much I love you. And that it does affect me even if you don’t think it does. Like now, just looking at you now is breaking my heart knowing that I had something to do with those tears, it’s not a good feeling when you make someone you care about cry.”

_Breathe._

Our bodies have always had a way of gravitating towards each other since the moment we met, and this situation was no different, the body he knew inside and out instantly gravitated to his approaching it with little to no caution. He had nothing to fear or to lose, they both knew that yet his small frame stood in front of Armie’s with his head slightly lowered.

“Look at me.”

Without hesitation, I looked at him the way he wanted me to. With love, with understanding and with something more than lust.

“You bring out a side of me I always try to hide, and maybe one day you’ll wake up and just end it. I live in fear of that day. The day you look me in the eyes and say, ‘I can’t anymore’ you will take a piece of me that only belongs to you. You’ve never really have been mine. All this right now can go away and where will we be then? Without the love that we share that’s the one thing that is for sure.” He brought his hands up to my face and cradled it between his warm hands, his soft fingers once again caressing my checks. “Are you mine Timmy?”

_Love._

“I trust you.”

And he did. All the things in the world wouldn’t change the love he had for him.


End file.
